I don’t like writing all sad and negative posts, but I need to let this out somewhere and what better way to do it on my blog where (hopefully) no one I know in real life knows about it!
But basically, with what is going on right now (which in turn, may be another post in a couple of months time) and just my feelings in general–I haven’t been feeling too great at all. Just feel lousy and a rubbish mum in general.
I have never been diagnosed with depression or anxiety. Too anxious to see a doctor for a start! But I do believe that I do suffer with something along the lines. If I plucked up the courage to speak to someone, it would have saved me years of grief and could have achieved a lot more things I have always wanted to.
Being a mother has got to be one of the most daunting things I could have faced. I never wanted children, ever. But all that changed and I love my darling boy more than anything in this world, he honestly is the light of my life and I do believe that he’s changed my life for the better. Having my own little family, how perfect! But it still doesn’t take away the fact that inside, I am still struggling. Despite how I feel that my life has changed for the better, and the fact that I actually am a lot better than I was..the sadness still sits there and does creep up time to time. Especially this month, I feel that I am really struggling this month.
Firstly, Joseph’s sleeping pattern has taken a turn for the worse. He just doesn’t want to go to bed and having to look after him from morning till midnight, boy is that tough. Especially when I feel too sad to even go out in the car. That’s when the mum guilt kicks in, the fact I can’t even muster to change out of my going on 3 day wearing pyjamas, my going on 3 weeks of not doing my make-up or hair. Can’t even find motivation to take my wonderful son out. All I want to do is nap. I can’t be bothered to do house chores. To look after myself properly. Anything. The only thing I’m taking pride in right now is being able to wean joseph and providing him with good 3 meals a day–even if I can’t be bothered to feed myself. I just put all my energy into him, which I love but a little self care is needed I think. All I want to do is feel normal, to clean the house, to have a sense of direction for the day. I feel like a total failure.
Then comes loneliness. I live for the days when Mathew is off work or my family so I can have adult company. Seeing my friends go on nights out kills me sometimes as I feel like I a just forgotten about. I’m just the 22 year old who had a baby so now can’t do anything. Although when my friends do make an effort, I push it away. I can’t wait until the weather is better to do more things as I’m sure that will make me feel a lot better.
Just in general feeling human again I miss. I’m starting to struggle financially. My maternity pay is so dire and I just about get by after rent and bills. I can’t remember last time I treated myself. My wardrobe is outdated, my make up pretty much run out. I sound incredibly materialistic but having money gave me a sense of security and independence, but I just feel like it’s being stripped away from me. I have to think about going back to work soon, but even then I have to work that around Mathews shifts, babysitters etc. So it’ll have to be part time, and I’m stressing out as to whether I need to apply for a new job as my current job is 12hr shifts and are not very flexible.
I know once I get back to normality I will feel a lot more independent and happier. Heck, next week I’ll probably feel better as I get good weeks and bad weeks. I do need to start thinking about perhaps reaching out and speaking to someone about my problems, but I don’t want to appear a burden.
I sound like a right negative nancy, but it’s been eating away at me for a while. I know the only thing that will make things better in the long run is if I get some help. But thank the lord for my darling Joseph and Mathew who keep me grounded. One thing I am proud of is that everytime I fall, I get myself back up. Although I just want to stop falling so often. I just want to stop worrying and have some motivation and be a kick-ass mum.
I’ll be sure to post something a little positive next!