On finding out..

Okay, let me start off by saying this is going to be a super-duper long post. I’m not even expecting anyone to read this. At all. It’s currently just gone 11pm, I really really should be sleeping right now as the baby and the other half are upstairs snoozin and I’m on night duties. But it’s rare now-a-days that I get ‘me’ time. I’m really going to regret this later when I have a grizzly little baby and my eyelids are practically forcing themselves shut as I try super fast to change a nappy and feed him. Although I’m so pro at it now I probably could do it with my eyes shut..


Now, lets go back to lets say this time last year where I was just this normal un-pregnant twenty year old. Actually, scrap that, lets go back to pretty much all my life-if anyone told me I would be pregnant at the age of twenty one, I would have probably laughed in their faces and told them to go done. Never have I ever, ever, EVER considered having children. Like ever. I mean sure, when I was a little girl I loved playing house, but as I grew older I have never been interested in having my own. Whilst my friends talked about how they’d love a baby girl or a baby boy I’d sit there in complete disinterest. A baby, I’d think to myself-what a waste of a life. Honestly, that’s my mindset on it. Always has been. Always thought when you have kids there goes your life, down the drain, goodbye, chow for now. I’ve always considered myself to be self-centred, to always want to spend money on myself, to want to travel. So I’ve always carried this with me that I’d never have children and in turn, I had absolutely zero knowledge on how babies work. Heck, I couldn’t even hold a baby without feeling my whole body seize up.

I’ve always thought of myself as a ‘keep to myself’ kind of person. Growing up, I’ve loved my own space and to have ‘me’ time. I’m a 100 million percent introvert, I need time to energise after being in social situations so the thought of having a baby to intervene with my me time is a serious no-go.

I have always been a kind of anxious person which I mistake for laid-back most of the time. I have been on the pill since I have been sexually active (around 16 years old I think), and since living with my parents, I have always been in access to renew my pills so I can keep taking them. July last year, me and my fiance moved house, quite far away from my doctors and my parents so I could be near my work. So when I moved, I didn’t have a lot of supply of my pills left, and with the stress of the move and the whole switch the doctors thing, I kind of just left it for a while. On top of that, I get very, very anxious with phoning, booking appointments (pretty much everything in general–but I’m working on it!!). So as the months went on, I put it at the back of my mind and just told myself ‘it’ll be alright, it would take ages for me to get pregnant when coming off the pill (even though it blatantly says, that contraception is ineffective once you stop the pill. Abi, you twat). I think I used the last of my pill around September (2015) and I believe that is around the time I had my last period. So, two months passed, I considered this normal as my periods were irregular and light in the first place. I’d joke all the time and say ‘probs pregnant’ but then I’d also say ‘my period will come soon, I just know it’. Buuuuuuuuuuut, it didn’t. So December time, (note-I experienced NO symptoms hence the laid back, tell joke self) my boyfriend suggested that I should take a pregnancy test, and first I was like no, no it’ll come soon, but the realisation hit me and I thought ‘Shit, yea. Best be on the safe side’. So at first we bought two cheapy ones, now you’re dealing with someone who has no clue on babies and pregnancy, and no clue about pregnancy tests because I have never taken one. So there I was, sitting on the toilet, religiously reading the instructions to make sure I did it right. NOPE, did it wrong (I don’t even know). So we bought a clear blue one, the fancy one which tells you the weeks (pretty impressive), so I did my business and sat on the bathroom floor just staring at it which literally felt like 100 hours had passed. An there it was. Pregnant. 3+ Weeks. Yeah, not your standard 1-2 weeks or 3-4 weeks but god-damn 3+ weeks which could be ANYTHING. My boyfriend was sitting opposite me and i just burst out laughing,almost hysterical. Me, ME? Pregnant? Must be having a laugh. I straight out said, we’re not ready, we can’t have it. My boyfriend agreed (but as I know he does want kids, I knew he was lying). I decided to get comfort and advice from my family. Thinking that they would say the same as me, they were over the moon! My brother even hugged me (For real, this guy hasn’t hugged me in years) and was so excited. They said they would support my through everything and talked baby talk (I was completely zoned out at this point, still in shock/hysteria). And I went home feeling pretty much the same feeling I had when I found out. I just couldn’t do it. But I slept on it, and I woke up feeling like a completely different person. I woke up excited over the fact that I was pregnant, and all the possibilities it could bring. I found myself looking online at baby things. I started to picture what life would be like and future holidays, first day of school, and so forth. I felt a lot calmer, and I kind of just grew into the fact that, yeah, I can do this. From years of being adamant that I would never be a mother, to a sudden change, just like that. I will always be pro-choice in regards to what women want to do with their own bodies. And I have always said that if I ever were to be pregnant, I would get an abortion (Yeah, like it’s that easy to make a decision-god I am so naive). But when it actually came to it, I just don’t think i could bring myself to do it (although I am 100% pro choice).

I have always gone through life looking for a sense of purpose, never knowing who I am and what I want to do. But I think that is what I needed, to find my feet back on the ground and to have this responsibility in my life. I can still travel, I can still go back to university like I planned on doing and I get to share my life experiences with my boyfriend and now this little one. I suffered terribly with mental health problems, never thought I’d get anywhere in life, always failing things. But since Joseph has come into my life it’s like everything is that little bit brighter.

I had my first scan on the 19th January and turns out I was 14 weeks. And seeing him on the screen made my heart flutter so much. I had such an easy pregnancy, I suffered no symptoms. I had a little pelvic pain but that passed as the weeks went on (how, I don’t know), no cravings (hurrah!) but I did have a shit load of stretch marks towards the end. But ohhhhhh well. When I found out we were having a boy I was over the moon, even-though I didn’t mind the gender, I was secretly hoping it was a boy. But my god, nine months is a hell of a long wait and as Joseph was a summer baby, boy the heat hit me hard. 2/10 would not recommend again. Plus being overdue by a week would 0/10 not recommend.

So there we have it! Someone who out-ruled having children + not being responsible with the pill = Karma? But GOOD karma it turns out as I am head over heels in love.

Birth story and emergency c-section woes up next… but for now I best be off to bed.


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